Monday, December 31, 2007
angina pectoris
i give up.
i just can't take it anymore.
i haven't yet dealt and tried to solve all the problems i'm currently facing, and yet another has to happened.
little brother was searching for batteries in mum's china cabinet. unfortunately one section fell. all of my mum's precious china, her glasses and cutlery and plates broke and shattered. my precious ceramic musical teddy bear collection also shattered. i only have one left, the musical clarinet teddy bear.
when mum saw what happened, she panicked cos the sound was very frightening. but when she saw that little brother was ok, but her chinaware broke, she immediately cried. when i saw my teddy bears broke, i went straight into the toilet and laughed and cried. i didn't know why i laughed, but all i knew was that, at that point, i gave up.
i cannot take it anymore. i can't solve one problem, and yet another has come. im shattered, just like my bears.
im tired of struggling. i want to make things right, but i am afraid.
but right now, all i know is that, i give up.
leave me alone. Thursday, December 27, 2007
if marlon has stopped trying to be strong, then i'll stop pretending that everything's ok and that i can take it.
i can't elaborate how much it hurts. i really can't
even now more so, to see marlon like that, and me not being in the right frame of mind to give him comfort, when truth be told, i need some myself. desperately. im so sorry marlon.
anyway, had injection today. wasn't as scary as IV, but goddamnit it hurt like hell. the injection water causes the muscles to spasm and your whole arm burns up and hurts at every move you make. was so painful that my eyes watered with the very effort of trying to tahan the pain. the point of injection was ok, relatively painless, but when my buddy pushed the piston and the liquid in, i just could only clench my fists and grind my teeth.
didn't want to scream out like some of my other friends cos was afraid that i would be labelled a wuss.
it still hurts now, though the spasms have decreased.
another piece of sad news. yasin went for a check up on christmas eve and the doctor x-rayed his leg. turned out that he had a stress fracture at his metatarsal. he told me that it had been hurting since his BRT days but he kept quiet and soldiered on.
when the instructors found out about his latest injury, they recommended him to OOC or work as a clerk. seeing his face made me very sad. he was almost to the point of crying. i know he doesnt want to OOC. i don't want him to OOC. he's been such a marvellous friend and it would be a waste if he were to OOC with less than 2 weeks left in training.
made me scared too, cos i have my own physiotherapy session coming up. was supposed to be on the 27th, but had to postpone it due to training. hopefully the clinic will get back to me soon.
i don't want to get OOC too. once is enough. no more. if i have to lie and keep quiet about the seriousness of the injury, i will. screw my tilted patella or whatever crap. as long as i can walk, can run, can march, i'll shut up and take it as it is.
Sha Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i can't sleep.
i keep going through my mind what i did correct and what i did wrong.
i know that i put my heart and soul into this.
"good, but not good enough"
merry xmas
i didnt get selected.
what did i do wrong? what could i have done better?
i just..
screw my knee Monday, December 24, 2007
nerves
i couldn't sleep. studied all my notes. all. polished my boots and ironed my smart 4 to almost footdrill competition standard.
i am still so nervous anxious and scared.
hope tml doesn't dissapoint.
gosh.
xmas is coming!
met up with the poly clique just now. had lunch with them and had a small gift exchange. haha. it was funny, guessing what gifts what who would receive them. it was very heartwarming to see them all again. especially nasir. god i havent seen him for months.
then some of us had to bid goodbye cos of their own stuff, so the rest of us walked around, trying to do some last minute shopping. eventually the guys had to go off first, cos most of them were booking in tonight.
i had to leave early too. have to "kilat" my boots and smarten my smart 4 til crisp. tml's there's going to be an interview for the selection. and im freaking scared and anxious and nervous. i really want to be selected. really want to. been working hard and trying to ace the papers in class. if i don't get selected, i think i will really be so devastated. nvm. lets not think about that
on a more lighter note.
sue, i keep saying about snow* cos to me, thats' what christmas means. i imagine this scene where snow will be falling around a wooden lodge, and where i am sitting on a heath rug with my feet near a fireplace, and drinking hot cocoa with marshmellows.
and also cos i have never ever seen snow before. real one or artificial.
wish me luck for tml *hopes* Friday, December 21, 2007
it's so cold
it's so cold.
i need to get me a cardigan soon.
right now i'll make do with wearing the pt shirt under my smart 4.
5 days to xmas.
and i haven't seen snow* yet. i don't have time to go to tanglin mall.
night classes. confinement. punishment.
haiz Wednesday, December 19, 2007
4 more weeks to go
met afiq just now for lunch. he POP-ed from his Provost Course last week. felt very happy for him. he got best trainee too. tsk tsk. mai siao siao. haha
but kinda felt sad and sian too, cos we are one of the few vocations left stuck at CDA. the firefighters are going to POP in 2 weeks. the 26th ERS is going to POP soon too.
my vocation is taking alot of my time and energy. sometimes its really hard to wake up and drag myself from bad to go to class and all. having to put on a mask at times and play politician doesnt really suit me at all.
and also not having time to spend with my friends and so.
but then i remember;
it's the vocation i wanted.
i want to make the people i love be proud of me.
i want to make a difference and save lives.
i want to learn something that i can use for all my life.
today we learned how to do assists in maternity cases. the instructors showed us this maternity video. childbirth is so, graphic.
so i guess, i will continue sacrificing for the greater good (: nobody said this vocation was easy. haha. Monday, December 17, 2007
xmas is coming!
xmas is coming. 9 more days. gosh! and i still haven't seen snow falling. haha. the world isnt in deep s*** if snow falls on singapore lon. haha. it justs signals climate change.
went to bugis on friday, straight after booking out from camp. went with my MOC mates. first, headed to beach road army market. some went to look for extra bootlaces and ippt badges. i went there to look for a para-bag. actually, i could just iqbal to take my one from my former ERS bunk. haha.
after that, came the feast of the day. went to eat soup tulang and mee goreng basah at the famous stalls. simply delicious. eating with friends made the whole situation that much better.
headed to bugis village by foot. stopped over at the "gotham" building to take pics, but it was rather dark, so all the pics came out weird.
reach bugis village, where me and azam danced to the tune of billie jean by michael jackson just outside the traffic light. haha. went inside to look for cardigans. fareez heard from me who heard from xueting that there were $10 cardigans on sale there, so off we went to look. we found nice $15 ones there. my mate bought one but i didn't. haha. dunnoe why. i think im still holding out for the perfect cardigan. the one cardigan to rule them all. haha.
and yes, Bugis so damn big and messy still got fate (:
after that, headed to arab street to chill at one of those cafes. actually the original plan was to shisha, but im not such a fan and we changed locations to this small cafe called 'Mosi Cafe'. Mosi=MOC. geddit? Lol.
had the perfect friday!
9 days to christmas! *~
4 days to hari raya haji!
14 days to the new year!
25/26 days to POC! Wednesday, December 12, 2007
I.V
am seriously sick of and because of the rain. why can't it snow in Singapore?
my nose is as red as rudolph, and maybe my voice sounds like him too. sorethroat.
i don't mind the cold. Nevermind, for xmas this year, i want;
Snow. *. Simple plain snow. snow snow snow snow snow snow snow.
actually, it could happen you know. if the temperature gets really low, the water droplets will turn into the snow before it reaches the ground.
am sick of seeing mud on my boots. i dun mind kicking some snow around though. haha
tomorrow is the dreaded i.v. can't tell you how much it scares me, or else you'd call me a wuss. yet after seeing the pic that syed sent me.... *prays*
oh yeah, the new 106th intake came in today. Welcome to the suck! Nyahahaha!
and oh yeah, izzat, or DI Izzat as i should call you now, where the heck is my smart 3 badge. tak nampak seh batang hidung badge aku?
the weather and my bed is calling me to sleep now. g'night~
p.s, i want snow*
p.p.s, Dear Lon bro, happy 20th birthday mate, in 1hr 30min more (: happy for you. just hang in there alright. you know what i mean Friday, December 07, 2007
fcuk you
to that idiot scum sucking piece of shit, why couldn't you just shut your freaking mouth for just a few minutes and suck it up.
why couldn't you just accept the fact that it's a one for all, all for one deal you selfish ignorant bastard.
fcuk you, you know that. you complicated what could have just been a simple punishment.
how could you be that stupid. or are you that stuck up to think that we are below you?
no man is an island you dumb fcuk.
7 to 8 weeks, and yet the message has not sunk in yet? you asshole, i find you intensely impossible.
whatever we do, we do as one. the good and the bad.
you dumbass. you have seriously pissed me off. how hard is it to control your piehole for just a few minutes huh? how freaking hard is it?
keep your twisted brand of reasoning to yourself.
i have been patient with you. i am not perfect, yet i have been patient with you. but now.
do you even understand the magnitude of what you have just done? do you?
you have condemned our group to humiliation. now everytime others see us, they don't see what we have tried to achieve, they see you and the image you have created for us, in just those few minutes of stupidity on your part.
goddamnit. and you know what the worst part is? i have to see you everyday and try to pretend to be your friend.
and i, no, we have to save your ass in case anything happens. i would gladly risk my life for any one of the others, but for you, make sure that your life is worth saving.
get pumped. get fcuked. shut up. suck it up.
is THAT so impossibly hard?
fcuk you. just fcuk you Wednesday, December 05, 2007
suck it up. its' only tuesday
i live to save. yet, who is going to save me?
hope this week passes by damn fast. am tired of staying up til 3 to study, only to have instructors saying, ' congrats. and a big fcuk you ' when we passed it.
cleared FA.
cleared Resus.
BCLS halfway done.
AED not yet done.
suck it up. it's only tuesday Tuesday, December 04, 2007
live to save
Hey, sorry for the late update of the blog. Had been too busy lately to blog and go online and stuff. haha.
Previous entry mentioned that i POP'ed. Yippee! Now, im in the Medical Orderly Course. Second Chances abound, i can't fcuk this one up.
Training is intense. Well, not as intense as ERS, nevertheless stress enough. haha. Cos every single day they keep mentioning the fact that in this line of work, there is no second chances, and that whatever decision you make, the life of the person you're saving is in your hands.
Get fcuked everyday by the instructors. Nevermind la, after 7pm when i can go home, all the stuff they ask us to do everyday will be forgotten.
Christmas is coming soon. Gotta get my list ready. haha. Hari Raya Haji is coming soon. Whee. Holidays. Lol
These few days i've thought up a list of my simple pleasures:
- the feeling of wearing new socks. the feeling is just supreme.
- recovering from the half right or power leg position.
- breathing. you'll understand when u don the CA suit, trust me.
- getting to go home.
- getting to go home and have a nice shower. Bliss
- watching tv
- having your smart 4 collar stand up for the whole day
- maintaining the kilat-ness of the boots for the whole day
-laughing
6 more weeks to go! (:
went for Standard Chartered 07 yesterday. Thank you so much Kas! for 10 clicks, got a time of 1hr 15min. Am very happy, cos i know how far my knee can go before it goes kaput!
Night!
'live to save, medic!"
i give up.
i just can't take it anymore.
i haven't yet dealt and tried to solve all the problems i'm currently facing, and yet another has to happened.
little brother was searching for batteries in mum's china cabinet. unfortunately one section fell. all of my mum's precious china, her glasses and cutlery and plates broke and shattered. my precious ceramic musical teddy bear collection also shattered. i only have one left, the musical clarinet teddy bear.
when mum saw what happened, she panicked cos the sound was very frightening. but when she saw that little brother was ok, but her chinaware broke, she immediately cried. when i saw my teddy bears broke, i went straight into the toilet and laughed and cried. i didn't know why i laughed, but all i knew was that, at that point, i gave up.
i cannot take it anymore. i can't solve one problem, and yet another has come. im shattered, just like my bears.
im tired of struggling. i want to make things right, but i am afraid.
but right now, all i know is that, i give up.
leave me alone. Thursday, December 27, 2007
if marlon has stopped trying to be strong, then i'll stop pretending that everything's ok and that i can take it.
i can't elaborate how much it hurts. i really can't
even now more so, to see marlon like that, and me not being in the right frame of mind to give him comfort, when truth be told, i need some myself. desperately. im so sorry marlon.
anyway, had injection today. wasn't as scary as IV, but goddamnit it hurt like hell. the injection water causes the muscles to spasm and your whole arm burns up and hurts at every move you make. was so painful that my eyes watered with the very effort of trying to tahan the pain. the point of injection was ok, relatively painless, but when my buddy pushed the piston and the liquid in, i just could only clench my fists and grind my teeth.
didn't want to scream out like some of my other friends cos was afraid that i would be labelled a wuss.
it still hurts now, though the spasms have decreased.
another piece of sad news. yasin went for a check up on christmas eve and the doctor x-rayed his leg. turned out that he had a stress fracture at his metatarsal. he told me that it had been hurting since his BRT days but he kept quiet and soldiered on.
when the instructors found out about his latest injury, they recommended him to OOC or work as a clerk. seeing his face made me very sad. he was almost to the point of crying. i know he doesnt want to OOC. i don't want him to OOC. he's been such a marvellous friend and it would be a waste if he were to OOC with less than 2 weeks left in training.
made me scared too, cos i have my own physiotherapy session coming up. was supposed to be on the 27th, but had to postpone it due to training. hopefully the clinic will get back to me soon.
i don't want to get OOC too. once is enough. no more. if i have to lie and keep quiet about the seriousness of the injury, i will. screw my tilted patella or whatever crap. as long as i can walk, can run, can march, i'll shut up and take it as it is.
Sha Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i can't sleep.
i keep going through my mind what i did correct and what i did wrong.
i know that i put my heart and soul into this.
"good, but not good enough"
i didnt get selected.
what did i do wrong? what could i have done better?
i just..
screw my knee Monday, December 24, 2007
i couldn't sleep. studied all my notes. all. polished my boots and ironed my smart 4 to almost footdrill competition standard.
i am still so nervous anxious and scared.
hope tml doesn't dissapoint.
gosh.
met up with the poly clique just now. had lunch with them and had a small gift exchange. haha. it was funny, guessing what gifts what who would receive them. it was very heartwarming to see them all again. especially nasir. god i havent seen him for months.
then some of us had to bid goodbye cos of their own stuff, so the rest of us walked around, trying to do some last minute shopping. eventually the guys had to go off first, cos most of them were booking in tonight.
i had to leave early too. have to "kilat" my boots and smarten my smart 4 til crisp. tml's there's going to be an interview for the selection. and im freaking scared and anxious and nervous. i really want to be selected. really want to. been working hard and trying to ace the papers in class. if i don't get selected, i think i will really be so devastated. nvm. lets not think about that
on a more lighter note.
sue, i keep saying about snow* cos to me, thats' what christmas means. i imagine this scene where snow will be falling around a wooden lodge, and where i am sitting on a heath rug with my feet near a fireplace, and drinking hot cocoa with marshmellows.
and also cos i have never ever seen snow before. real one or artificial.
wish me luck for tml *hopes* Friday, December 21, 2007
it's so cold.
i need to get me a cardigan soon.
right now i'll make do with wearing the pt shirt under my smart 4.
5 days to xmas.
and i haven't seen snow* yet. i don't have time to go to tanglin mall.
night classes. confinement. punishment.
haiz Wednesday, December 19, 2007
met afiq just now for lunch. he POP-ed from his Provost Course last week. felt very happy for him. he got best trainee too. tsk tsk. mai siao siao. haha
but kinda felt sad and sian too, cos we are one of the few vocations left stuck at CDA. the firefighters are going to POP in 2 weeks. the 26th ERS is going to POP soon too.
my vocation is taking alot of my time and energy. sometimes its really hard to wake up and drag myself from bad to go to class and all. having to put on a mask at times and play politician doesnt really suit me at all.
and also not having time to spend with my friends and so.
but then i remember;
it's the vocation i wanted.
i want to make the people i love be proud of me.
i want to make a difference and save lives.
i want to learn something that i can use for all my life.
today we learned how to do assists in maternity cases. the instructors showed us this maternity video. childbirth is so, graphic.
so i guess, i will continue sacrificing for the greater good (: nobody said this vocation was easy. haha. Monday, December 17, 2007
xmas is coming. 9 more days. gosh! and i still haven't seen snow falling. haha. the world isnt in deep s*** if snow falls on singapore lon. haha. it justs signals climate change.
went to bugis on friday, straight after booking out from camp. went with my MOC mates. first, headed to beach road army market. some went to look for extra bootlaces and ippt badges. i went there to look for a para-bag. actually, i could just iqbal to take my one from my former ERS bunk. haha.
after that, came the feast of the day. went to eat soup tulang and mee goreng basah at the famous stalls. simply delicious. eating with friends made the whole situation that much better.
headed to bugis village by foot. stopped over at the "gotham" building to take pics, but it was rather dark, so all the pics came out weird.
reach bugis village, where me and azam danced to the tune of billie jean by michael jackson just outside the traffic light. haha. went inside to look for cardigans. fareez heard from me who heard from xueting that there were $10 cardigans on sale there, so off we went to look. we found nice $15 ones there. my mate bought one but i didn't. haha. dunnoe why. i think im still holding out for the perfect cardigan. the one cardigan to rule them all. haha.
and yes, Bugis so damn big and messy still got fate (:
after that, headed to arab street to chill at one of those cafes. actually the original plan was to shisha, but im not such a fan and we changed locations to this small cafe called 'Mosi Cafe'. Mosi=MOC. geddit? Lol.
had the perfect friday!
9 days to christmas! *~
4 days to hari raya haji!
14 days to the new year!
25/26 days to POC! Wednesday, December 12, 2007
am seriously sick of and because of the rain. why can't it snow in Singapore?
my nose is as red as rudolph, and maybe my voice sounds like him too. sorethroat.
i don't mind the cold. Nevermind, for xmas this year, i want;
Snow. *. Simple plain snow. snow snow snow snow snow snow snow.
actually, it could happen you know. if the temperature gets really low, the water droplets will turn into the snow before it reaches the ground.
am sick of seeing mud on my boots. i dun mind kicking some snow around though. haha
tomorrow is the dreaded i.v. can't tell you how much it scares me, or else you'd call me a wuss. yet after seeing the pic that syed sent me.... *prays*
oh yeah, the new 106th intake came in today. Welcome to the suck! Nyahahaha!
and oh yeah, izzat, or DI Izzat as i should call you now, where the heck is my smart 3 badge. tak nampak seh batang hidung badge aku?
the weather and my bed is calling me to sleep now. g'night~
p.s, i want snow*
p.p.s, Dear Lon bro, happy 20th birthday mate, in 1hr 30min more (: happy for you. just hang in there alright. you know what i mean Friday, December 07, 2007
to that idiot scum sucking piece of shit, why couldn't you just shut your freaking mouth for just a few minutes and suck it up.
why couldn't you just accept the fact that it's a one for all, all for one deal you selfish ignorant bastard.
fcuk you, you know that. you complicated what could have just been a simple punishment.
how could you be that stupid. or are you that stuck up to think that we are below you?
no man is an island you dumb fcuk.
7 to 8 weeks, and yet the message has not sunk in yet? you asshole, i find you intensely impossible.
whatever we do, we do as one. the good and the bad.
you dumbass. you have seriously pissed me off. how hard is it to control your piehole for just a few minutes huh? how freaking hard is it?
keep your twisted brand of reasoning to yourself.
i have been patient with you. i am not perfect, yet i have been patient with you. but now.
do you even understand the magnitude of what you have just done? do you?
you have condemned our group to humiliation. now everytime others see us, they don't see what we have tried to achieve, they see you and the image you have created for us, in just those few minutes of stupidity on your part.
goddamnit. and you know what the worst part is? i have to see you everyday and try to pretend to be your friend.
and i, no, we have to save your ass in case anything happens. i would gladly risk my life for any one of the others, but for you, make sure that your life is worth saving.
get pumped. get fcuked. shut up. suck it up.
is THAT so impossibly hard?
fcuk you. just fcuk you Wednesday, December 05, 2007
i live to save. yet, who is going to save me?
hope this week passes by damn fast. am tired of staying up til 3 to study, only to have instructors saying, ' congrats. and a big fcuk you ' when we passed it.
cleared FA.
cleared Resus.
BCLS halfway done.
AED not yet done.
suck it up. it's only tuesday Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Hey, sorry for the late update of the blog. Had been too busy lately to blog and go online and stuff. haha.
Previous entry mentioned that i POP'ed. Yippee! Now, im in the Medical Orderly Course. Second Chances abound, i can't fcuk this one up.
Training is intense. Well, not as intense as ERS, nevertheless stress enough. haha. Cos every single day they keep mentioning the fact that in this line of work, there is no second chances, and that whatever decision you make, the life of the person you're saving is in your hands.
Get fcuked everyday by the instructors. Nevermind la, after 7pm when i can go home, all the stuff they ask us to do everyday will be forgotten.
Christmas is coming soon. Gotta get my list ready. haha. Hari Raya Haji is coming soon. Whee. Holidays. Lol
These few days i've thought up a list of my simple pleasures:
- the feeling of wearing new socks. the feeling is just supreme.
- recovering from the half right or power leg position.
- breathing. you'll understand when u don the CA suit, trust me.
- getting to go home.
- getting to go home and have a nice shower. Bliss
- watching tv
- having your smart 4 collar stand up for the whole day
- maintaining the kilat-ness of the boots for the whole day
-laughing
6 more weeks to go! (:
went for Standard Chartered 07 yesterday. Thank you so much Kas! for 10 clicks, got a time of 1hr 15min. Am very happy, cos i know how far my knee can go before it goes kaput!
Night!
'live to save, medic!"