Wednesday, July 26, 2006
a bit better
i feel a bit better now...
a bit..but still, a bit better...
to JB..good luck for thursday man..really wish u the best.. =)
to Marlon..one assist one goal huh..lol..dun wori man, i got ur back
to Siti, glad you're back..
to DD.. =) friends forever..kental..lol...
haiz
even in my current state..
i am worried about a dear friend of mine..
i want to help..
i don't want her to suffer..
pain
while writing this entry, i am crying, in my heart too..
so, it means that im having a breakdown..
i tot everything was okay, settled..that i could be strong enough..i guess i wasnt..
i can't take it anymore...
its killing me, bit by bit..hurting, unflinching..and seemingly neverending...every single time..
i get numb, and my whole world seems to be crashing down..
the hardest part about holding on, is letting go...
im trying..i really am...
im holding it back in, all this pain..this suffering...
thinking of stuff that makes me weak..
im trying my best..so that people i love would be happy, without feeling guilty for feeling happy..
the hardest part is to act as if nothing is wrong..to smile and joke, and play a fool, and to just be yourself..it is so hard..it takes up all my energy just to be me.and it hurts like hell..now im just a pale image of what i was back then..
but i have to put on this act..so that people don't worry, won't be looking at you, thinking, " is he really alright?"..i don't want people to ask me, "what is wrong", cos i won't tell..i won't...the reason im writing this blog entry is just to tell people that im suffering, and that i hope whoever wants to hurt me, might lighten up a bit....pls dun ask me what's wrong..i will tell if i want to, but pls dun force me...i am near the breaking point i can feel it..
so pls pls pls, dun force me to tell something i don't want to tell..it will only hurt me more..
i want to be happy for the people around me..i am trying, only god knows how hard i am trying right now...
so near yet so far...
i still am crying, but i have to prepare myself for tmr..the next part of this act is going to start..and i have to get ready...
subhan'allah Tuesday, July 25, 2006
haiz...
far and away..the nicest day i had in a while...tak bedek...esp the part where me and DD listened to Satiysh's mp3..ehehehehehe...its like 0_0..tak paham terus..kekeke
though there were some, okay, lots of moments where i nearly faltered..i kept being strong...
haiz...but it dint mean that i dint hurt...subhanallah...
just now, Elektra,Superman and Powerboi had a nice guy chat..i really look forward to those kind of chats...
tmr.....Soccer!!!!!!!!!......wahahahaha..but first..we're gonna run...the whole superhero family is there.. Monday, July 24, 2006
haiz...
i hate not having anything to do..cos in those moments, i will think....
of the past...
cannot help it...
memories...
and then my vision gets blurry..
im trying, honest...
and i'm faced with another problem..stupid really..haiz...
"kalau diorg penat diorg diam lah"...
i know..tapi takkan aku nak diam kan ajer kan..aku pun ada maruah dan harga diri...
astaghfirullahulazim...
berikan ku kekuatan... Sunday, July 23, 2006
haiz
im emotionally drained...and im also worried about my brother, Marlon..
bro, i know we're both in the same boat..everytime you're quiet, i know what you're thinking..cos i think of the same things too..
..our regrets...
..the things we could have/should have done, but we didn't..
...our memories, both joyful and painful...
..our loves...
i know...cos im feeling it also...
everytime im not doing anything, i fall into sadness, you know? ...im tired, and i know you are..
and i also hate pretending..i dun want to smile when im not happy..But i have to, we have to...
you want to cry? same here..the times i controlled last week took all of my strength..only god knows...
we'll work through it together yeah?...i'll slowly pick up the pieces..while i help pick yours up too..we're brothers..and if we don't have that, then we're screwed..coz, who do we have now?..haiz...
and also remember one thing man..when you're down, fall back on faith..i have my religion, you have yours..fall back on that..it will give you strength...
because for me, im already trying to accept that this is all god's work..testing me..testing my faith and trust..and slowly, im accepting that..tears will drop, yes..but it will cleanse me..and i pray for patience and peace..
and besides..it really isnt that bad being single huh..yeah i know, im just saying that..haiz...
Be strong kay man..i'll lend you my strength..
and also, we can gain happiness by seeing our friends in joy..like powerboi and dd..
this is all just a test...ya allah, tolong berikan ku kesabaran dan ketabahan untuk menghadapi cabaranMu ini...
also..to the person that is spreading news about me..if you're reading this by any chance..i don't care about what you spread anymore..and i am tired of trying to be angry at you..its between you and your conscience..im just going to go on living.. Thursday, July 20, 2006
i was reading, "laughter and tears" by kahlil gibran...and this passage made my heart sink...
After a few moments of complete silence, I heard the following words uttered with sighs from weather-bitten lips, "Shed not tears, my beloved; love that opens our eyes and enslaves our hearts can give us the blessing of patience. Be consoled in our delay our delay, for we have taken an oath and entered Love's shrine; for our love will ever grow in adversity; for it is in Love's name that we are suffering the obstacles of poverty and the sharpness of misery and the emptiness of separation. I shall attack these hardships until I triumph and place in your hands a strength that will help over all things to complete the journey of life.
"Love - which is God - will consider our sighs and tears as incense burned at His altar and He will reward us with fortitude. Good-bye, my beloved; I must leave before the heartening moon vanishes."
A pure voice, combined of the consuming flame of love, and the hopeless bitterness of longing and the resolved sweetness of patience, said, "Good-bye, my beloved."
They separated, and the elegy to their union was smothered by the wails of my crying heart.
I looked upon slumbering Nature, and with deep reflection discovered the reality of a vast and infinite thing -- something no power could demand, influence acquire, nor riches purchase. Nor could it be effaced by the tears of time or deadened by sorrow; a thing which cannot be discovered by the blue lakes of Switzerland or the beautiful edifices of Italy.
It is something that gathers strength with patience, grows despite obstacles, warms in winter, flourishes in spring, casts a breeze in summer, and bears fruit in autumn -- I found Love.
haiz.....
hmm..
first, to JB..
you did a fucking good job as a keeper..don't beat yourself up ya..you did some of the best saves that i can see..and if not for you..the scoreline would have been different..you did your best..from a fellow soccer player and keeper to another..you gave your all..sincerely man...you did your best..i can understand your pain..chin up yeah?
to myself,
i have a lot of things to say..but, in a nutshell,
i can't take it anymore...
soccer
in the mood for SOCCER!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
seriously, i am freaking jealous of JB..lol..got people watch him play soccer..lol..why i play soccer nobody see?!
anyways, good luck bro!!! use your Powerboi powers..lol.. Wednesday, July 19, 2006
i love this song
i really love this song so much...just found out the title a few minutes ago..lol..please take your time to listen to it kay..it means a lot to me..lol..thank you
tuesday
well, as you can read from my previous entry..monday sucked..but tuesday was a bit better..
went to tyy the cpstec lesson..wah freaking boring ah...read the novel..now at page 70..very nice book..nama pun sedap..Shahira..waduh..
then after that, went to amos the lesson..the projector "poofed", so had to crain our necks to see what he was writing..kan ct, kan kan kan kan kan kan? hehehe...ajak ke kfc, in the end dier jek yang makan..hehe..bwek!
then met jb, lon, xueshi and chun mei at the PCC..lol..i always try not to laugh at that..i noe its lame, but cut me some slack..
the best part was at the stadium..played SOCCER!!!!!...soccer is one of my loves..never let me down, never borke my heart..lol..thats y i love it til now...powerger..you really power leh..can ti chiu, ta chiu..and pao..hehehe
during soccer i was like venting all my anger on the ball ah..thats y during the 3 touch penalty i never looked up....sorrie ah jb, if accidentally kena anywhere..btw gd luck for the match tmr..i support you de!!!!... Tuesday, July 18, 2006
hmm
monday..i haTe monday, do you know that..have i ever told you all that i intensely, absolutely hate mOndays..
i hate the way it started...terkejut kejut..crap....and besiDes, the last night, i didnt really study..seriously lor, if i were to flunk it, i wouldnt be that surpriseD..i think im already prepared...on the bright side, It is one thing im prepared for..
now iM in the comp lab..bored as hell..and hungry..and moodless...SOrry dudes/dudettes... i think i failed you..alSo on the verge of a breakdown sOon..trying hard..for the sake of eveRyone..
dd, im very woRried about You..are you okay? ...you should get some rest when you can, iF you can..you always seem tired, u noe? ...and im worried
me...i gOt this uber nice book..the title is," bukan cinta biasa "..or in english, tRanslated as " a diffErent kind of loVe "...my first thing from malaysia..thanks dd!!!!! i love it a lot..it will bE my midnight companion...lol..foR all those sleepless nights Ya...
haiz..
im beginning to haTe all these assignments and stuff...i mean..cut us some slack will you, or give us a break..Have some sympathy..I mean, we are not robots...jeez
aNyway, take care ya, all of you, esp to dd...
God, give me and my loved ones..strength to face the day.. Monday, July 17, 2006
hmm
hmm..these few days, my heart seems relIeved..
i mean, i don't feel that much pain anymore..but im kinda worried...
im my haste to be happy, i forgot to Let sadness have a chance to escape...
i think, i still have sOme more breakdowns in store..lol
but the difference now is, i am in control of my emotionS..
i cannot deny being sad at some poinT later on..but i won be that sensitive either..
some of the breakdowns in store is, the " the things which i should have,would have and could have done" breakdown, and the " i regret being scared" breakdown..also, check out the "if i could turn back time" breakdown...
lol, but dun worry.. i am in control..i cannot be sad forever..it can feel that waY sometimes..but it wont last..i hope...
i still have sOme love left...lol..anybody interested?
gys..im afraid of failing to meet your expectations..i really am...
yesterday went oUt with my best fren to study..woi! da lama eh kiteorg tak uat gitu..berbual kosong..sampai nak tdo..hehehe..tergoda2 nak makan, minum sedap2, tapi fulus takda..lol...
and yelah, nanti aku gi queensway aku ajak kau...lol..aku ajak kawan aku jugak...ya..
adieu Saturday, July 15, 2006
firsts
tonight, was a night of firstS..
i admitted my feelings to the girl whom i've long carried a flame for...
all those secrets that was inside came tUmbling out..
i didn't know..if i did, things might/would Have turned out differently..
but the thing now, is thAt, " i love you"
love comes In many shapes and forms...
but, but..friends forever yeah!!!!!!!..nothing will change that fact, absolutely nothing..
and who knows, in the future..there might be another chance?
i'lL be braver then..because someone like you, deserves it...
muhd shAliz sazali
haiz.
i broke down...again...
i have to move on.. i know i have no other choice...
she's not mine...SHE IS NOT MINE. Friday, July 14, 2006
lol
was reading my tags...I mean..was kinda touched by what all of them said..
thank you..i am going through a rough time..many times these few days i tried to hide it and suppress..but i guess sometimes even i Cracked...
i wAsn't lying when i said i was sick...i just lied about the reasoN i was sick..i am sick and tired of it..i am sick and tired of falling..of gettiNg hurt..of having to dust myself off, Of having to pick myself up, getting injured, piecing The pieces Back together, of having to stand and watch, of nEver experiencing what not fAlling has to offeR..
i am Sick and tirEd...and i am so near my brEaking point I caN feel it...i can see the edGe of this cliff...
one, i stopped believing in it quite some time ago..Here i am, formerly a believer, now a hopeless/ hopeful skEptic...ironic isnt it
two, whateveR it is, it will not come to me soon...if it were to come, it would have been ages ago..guess what they say bout nice guys are true after all
three, i am..Whether i like it or not..unfortunately, i hate IT, a wHole freaking lot
four, i don't Have it...It's soMeone elses...and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it
ooh
oooh my gawd...IM IN A VIDEO!!!!!!
paiseh sia....
look look...
Powerger,yaojing,"you're mad" and ME!!!!!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
haiz
I thank god, that in this moment where im falling into the darkness..i have few people i can rely on..
1st of alL, there's superman..he's my brother..and he and me are in the same boat..and tog we will move on..we can't wallow in pain anymore..the world will pass us by...and i don't believe in lOve anymore now..it always leads me to hurt...so..together we oVercome it yeah?
2nd of all, there's powEr ger..thank you ..lately you've been helping me alot...i appreciate it.."breathe again"
3rd of all, there's power boi..thanks for making me laugh..serious.."ouh ippo eh tai tai eh Ya.."
last but certainly nOt least...theres daredevil...thank you for caring, it means a lot more than you know..and thanks for worrying bout me..but now you shouldnt yoU know..don't waste your worries on me..im not worth it.. =) save it for yourself, mal,dee and the r'ship that you're going to build with bebo..i'll be fine..i have always been alone..don't worry..
one more thing.. DD, you might be surprised at how good i can actually lie when i want to..
in this moment of darkness, the bright sparks that i see are you all..
ey
don't worry bout me..
don't waste all your worries on me..
for i am not worth it...
worry bout yourselves, and the people you love..
hmm..
sometimes, when you face great pressure..you either bend or break...
i unfortunately, broke...
i give up... Wednesday, July 12, 2006
haiz
its 143am at nite..
and i still can't sleep...
wait. its 144am now..
and i still can't sleep..
tomorrow im gonna support my brother and power ger in the poly 50...
jia you!
"the moon is dying,
the stars are crying,
the winds are whispering,
your happiness is fading "
oh look, its' 151am
and im still not asleep...
everytime i say, " im fine "..it hurts..cos do u know what it means exactly?
F.I.N.E.
F is for "Freaked Out"
I is for "Insecure"
N is for "Neurotic"
E is for "Emotional"
god, i can't help it....it hurts every single time i say it..
why can't it all be so damn crystal clear....
"DD, berikan ku masa tuk mencari tenaga tuk hadapi beban ini..ku tidak mahu mu terbabit dlm beban ku juga..ku mahu mu bahagia dengan secepat mungkin.." Tuesday, July 11, 2006
haiz
ku sudah pasrah dan redha kepada keadaan yang ku hadapi...
apa yang nak jadi, jadi..ku ikut sahaja..
ku sudah penat untuk lakukan apa-apa..
ku sudah penat, dan kesabaran ku sudah hendak tiba ke tahapnya..
astaghfirullahulazim
" di mana letak syurga itu, biar ku gantikan tempat ku dengan mu " Saturday, July 08, 2006
hey..
haiz,
the end of the week..
syukur alhamdullilah..
tired..in its many forms and factors..
still, have to do 2 very impt things:
1. persuade my bpk to let me play soccer tomorrow..im okay ya..the injury is fine..the stitches are out..heck..let me bruise someone else..i got some unreleased anger and pain i need to let out on some poor sod..
2. persuade my bpk to let me watch soccer, more explicitly, the FINAL of the FIFA WORLD CUP 2006, outside, with my friends..
got me boots and me jersey back..almost kissed them..well..i kissed me jersey..the boots were caked with mud and a tinge of blood..
notice that my very impt things involve soccer and persuasion..EIC help me...
tomorrow, around 3 plus..gonna have a soccer match..thank god..this past few days have been intensely hard..i need some release.
ups and downs..highs and lows..im in the latter stage..happy di luar..di dalam..hanya tuhan sahaja yang tahu..
im beginning to like this poem me and DD once wrote together..hmm..weird huh..last time i didn't like it,now...
"Touches of sorrow fills my heart
Ripping my fragile soul apart
A knife i'll take, my wrist i'll cut
How i yearn for a fresh start.."
also, the knife thingy..thats metaphorical ya..
haiz..
hey
in school right now..
studying for product design..
hope to score lah..if not..pass pun bleh..cukup-cukup makan..
cos seriously, i dun care...
too tired...physically and emotionally..
ah well..life goes on.. Friday, July 07, 2006
haiz
its 1am..and i can't sleep..its been like that since i returned from the chalet..
been thinking..a lot..even my mum noticed
"never sleep?" (belum tdo?)
"can't sleep.." (tak ah, tak leh tdo)
"why?" (kenapa?)
"....thinking.....loads of work" (ada ah benda..bnyk benda nak fikir)
i decided...if life made me take this path...i will take it..
i made myself fall down..i alone chose this path..i alone shall bear the responsibility and the burden that comes with it..i made myself fall into this pit of uncertainty and hopeful skepticism.
i have been on this path time and again..i will be numb,cold,unflinching..i will not show any trace of weakness..
i promise you, i will drag myself out..in tears, bleeding, hurt, in pain..what comes i shall face it..i will not cower in pain..i will not be reduced to helplessness..what doesnt kill me, shall and will make me stronger..i will be stronger...i will drag myself out..
even if i have to do it alone................i will......
ROSITA
DD............Ni pun Rosita!!! now i can sleep at night..wahahahahahaha...
more info on this character from Sesame Street:
Rosita is a Hispanic Muppet character on the children's television series Sesame Street. Fluent in both English and Spanish, she is the first regular bilingual Muppet on the show. Rosita comes from Mexico and likes to play the guitar.
Her full name, Rosita, La Monstrua de las Cuevas, is a rarely used reference to the fact that Rosita is a fruit bat hence the Spanish "Monster of the Caves".
Rosita was introduced to the series in 1993, when the series explored what was "around the corner" of Sesame Street.
Rosita is performed by Carmen Osbahr, who originally worked on Mexico's Plaza Sesamo
lol..btw..i love Cookie Monster.."C is for cookie...That's good enough for me"
haiz
super uber freaking pissed....
the PQM test was alright..i think its okay
but for MCFA, i think i f**king blew it....didnt study...was too tired...ARGH! heck it...
tomorrow got ProD test..haiz...
berapa belambak test lah..is it like a conspiracy..to put tests during the WORLD CUP..
the teachers must have been soccer-haters..
to marlon: "81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81" wahahahahaha..lucky sia..
to DD: Chinatown will be next ya..lol..insya'allah.. teh peng then..lol
to Superman: bro..i dunno myself who THAT is...i sure wanna know..i sure wanna be THAT person..lol..SERIOUSLY.. i really really want to know...we are superheroes..yet i feel helpless..lol
" there is no greater fear than the fear of the unknown"
im shaking in my tight elektra costume... Wednesday, July 05, 2006
me
from left to right bottom: yaojing,"you're mad",DareDevil,Elmo.
from left to right top: Power boi, Power ger, Elektra, SuperMan and AJ
tired
shagged..
go school, come back home..go back again..come back home..then go to relative's house, then come back home..haiz..
tomorrow got test..i barely skimmed thru only.
this past few days, my mind's distracted..so shagged on so many levels..
anyway..hope for balance to return..it'd be nice for some state of "hum-drum"ness to come back.. Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Samsons
aku yang lemah tanpamu
aku yang rentan karena
cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
yang mampu menyanjungku
selama mata terbuka
sampai jantung tak berdetak
selama itu pun aku
mampu tuk mengenangmu
darimu, kutemukan hidupku
bagiku, kaulah cinta sejati
bila yang tertulis untukku
adalah yang terbaik untukmu
kan kujadikan kau kenangan
yang terindah dalam hidupku
namun takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupku
yang tlah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah
nice song huh? lol
justice league
i hereby declare the formation of the Justice League..
Founding Members;
Daredevil,
Elektra,
Superman,
Power Ger,
Power Boi..
lol..now my whole class is one crazy superhero family..like the incredibles..hehe..for reasons that are clear..the identities of these few superheroes will be kept secret.. Monday, July 03, 2006
Today was a very good day..lol..
hmm..school was so so..hate jwl..freaking stereotypical lor...to him," Mao Zedong!!!"
what happened after school was the highlight of the day..
went with the ever sweet DD to get my second spain tee of the week..lol
then went to Zamzam to eat murtabak and teh tarik..cos sumone ngah kepingin kan..haha..
then me had to pray for awhile..the mosque so near..dosa sak kalau tak solat..and the mosque was still as majestic as ever..learnt that the minaret kan..the black things are actually bottles..cool fact..see, its nice having DD by your side..lol
then slowly we walked to raffles place first..then we went to esplanade..chat for awhile and went home..
then received the bad news..so opened the door to an empty house..haiz.. tapi semua dah sedia ah..songkok..baju kurung..da settled..so tmr will be, different.
aniway..thats all..cos im so tired..so..studying PQM..wish me luck ya..seriously
to my friend and brother..im so sorry for not being there..i feel ashamed and selfish..forgive me ya? Saturday, July 01, 2006
shit
shit shit shit..i was hearing this song on Ria 897..tapi tak tau the tajuk of this one song..got lyrics, "lemah tanpamu..kenangan..indah..yang terbaik untukmu.."..something liddat..i was like, just "on" the mp3..aiyah..crap..who know the title of this song, pls tell me kay..if not this song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the week...
sedap giler sak lagu dier..aku rasa lagu indon ah...cos lagu indon, lirik2 dier bermakna, and penyanyi dier pekat seh...lol... * humming the tune*....
at the end of the day
hmm..at the end of the day..here's my tots
this whole week..well..i really miss my friends..
i don't care about the classes..haha..
seems like everyone is like, rushing for their reports..even Mai..da lama tak bebual, tiba2
"Alison!!"...haha..
but i really miss my friends..
this weekend though, another moment of worry..must be prepared..
to DD, thanks ya, for your doa2..
have fun ya, for me..since i can't have fun, have fun for my sake..
to JB the Brother..aiyoh, u arh, DD stands for Daredevil la..E stands for Elektra..lol..
Germany vs Argentina..
my prediction is Germany will edge out Argentina 2-1
yet, Salleh besides me says Argentina will win..lol
what we agree on, however, is that it's going to be a very emotional and entertaining match tonight..
players to watch out tonight..Miroslav Klose, Lucas Podolski, Maxi Rodriquez, Messi and Riquelme..
til then..
Au Revoir
p.s..Im still in school..doing this entry while the people around me are DOTA-ing..lol..want to join, but, ai..had my fill of DOTAsheets for a while..and done my training for Sunday..hope to do a Holy Shit agst TRZ..hehehehe...
.....
i hate today...
¿por qué debo sentir esta manera?
esto es apenas absurdo
me estoy sintiendo tan desgraciado
i feel a bit better now...
a bit..but still, a bit better...
to JB..good luck for thursday man..really wish u the best.. =)
to Marlon..one assist one goal huh..lol..dun wori man, i got ur back
to Siti, glad you're back..
to DD.. =) friends forever..kental..lol...
even in my current state..
i am worried about a dear friend of mine..
i want to help..
i don't want her to suffer..
while writing this entry, i am crying, in my heart too..
so, it means that im having a breakdown..
i tot everything was okay, settled..that i could be strong enough..i guess i wasnt..
i can't take it anymore...
its killing me, bit by bit..hurting, unflinching..and seemingly neverending...every single time..
i get numb, and my whole world seems to be crashing down..
the hardest part about holding on, is letting go...
im trying..i really am...
im holding it back in, all this pain..this suffering...
thinking of stuff that makes me weak..
im trying my best..so that people i love would be happy, without feeling guilty for feeling happy..
the hardest part is to act as if nothing is wrong..to smile and joke, and play a fool, and to just be yourself..it is so hard..it takes up all my energy just to be me.and it hurts like hell..now im just a pale image of what i was back then..
but i have to put on this act..so that people don't worry, won't be looking at you, thinking, " is he really alright?"..i don't want people to ask me, "what is wrong", cos i won't tell..i won't...the reason im writing this blog entry is just to tell people that im suffering, and that i hope whoever wants to hurt me, might lighten up a bit....pls dun ask me what's wrong..i will tell if i want to, but pls dun force me...i am near the breaking point i can feel it..
so pls pls pls, dun force me to tell something i don't want to tell..it will only hurt me more..
i want to be happy for the people around me..i am trying, only god knows how hard i am trying right now...
so near yet so far...
i still am crying, but i have to prepare myself for tmr..the next part of this act is going to start..and i have to get ready...
subhan'allah Tuesday, July 25, 2006
far and away..the nicest day i had in a while...tak bedek...esp the part where me and DD listened to Satiysh's mp3..ehehehehehe...its like 0_0..tak paham terus..kekeke
though there were some, okay, lots of moments where i nearly faltered..i kept being strong...
haiz...but it dint mean that i dint hurt...subhanallah...
just now, Elektra,Superman and Powerboi had a nice guy chat..i really look forward to those kind of chats...
tmr.....Soccer!!!!!!!!!......wahahahaha..but first..we're gonna run...the whole superhero family is there.. Monday, July 24, 2006
i hate not having anything to do..cos in those moments, i will think....
of the past...
cannot help it...
memories...
and then my vision gets blurry..
im trying, honest...
and i'm faced with another problem..stupid really..haiz...
"kalau diorg penat diorg diam lah"...
i know..tapi takkan aku nak diam kan ajer kan..aku pun ada maruah dan harga diri...
astaghfirullahulazim...
berikan ku kekuatan... Sunday, July 23, 2006
im emotionally drained...and im also worried about my brother, Marlon..
bro, i know we're both in the same boat..everytime you're quiet, i know what you're thinking..cos i think of the same things too..
..our regrets...
..the things we could have/should have done, but we didn't..
...our memories, both joyful and painful...
..our loves...
i know...cos im feeling it also...
everytime im not doing anything, i fall into sadness, you know? ...im tired, and i know you are..
and i also hate pretending..i dun want to smile when im not happy..But i have to, we have to...
you want to cry? same here..the times i controlled last week took all of my strength..only god knows...
we'll work through it together yeah?...i'll slowly pick up the pieces..while i help pick yours up too..we're brothers..and if we don't have that, then we're screwed..coz, who do we have now?..haiz...
and also remember one thing man..when you're down, fall back on faith..i have my religion, you have yours..fall back on that..it will give you strength...
because for me, im already trying to accept that this is all god's work..testing me..testing my faith and trust..and slowly, im accepting that..tears will drop, yes..but it will cleanse me..and i pray for patience and peace..
and besides..it really isnt that bad being single huh..yeah i know, im just saying that..haiz...
Be strong kay man..i'll lend you my strength..
and also, we can gain happiness by seeing our friends in joy..like powerboi and dd..
this is all just a test...ya allah, tolong berikan ku kesabaran dan ketabahan untuk menghadapi cabaranMu ini...
also..to the person that is spreading news about me..if you're reading this by any chance..i don't care about what you spread anymore..and i am tired of trying to be angry at you..its between you and your conscience..im just going to go on living.. Thursday, July 20, 2006
i was reading, "laughter and tears" by kahlil gibran...and this passage made my heart sink...
After a few moments of complete silence, I heard the following words uttered with sighs from weather-bitten lips, "Shed not tears, my beloved; love that opens our eyes and enslaves our hearts can give us the blessing of patience. Be consoled in our delay our delay, for we have taken an oath and entered Love's shrine; for our love will ever grow in adversity; for it is in Love's name that we are suffering the obstacles of poverty and the sharpness of misery and the emptiness of separation. I shall attack these hardships until I triumph and place in your hands a strength that will help over all things to complete the journey of life.
"Love - which is God - will consider our sighs and tears as incense burned at His altar and He will reward us with fortitude. Good-bye, my beloved; I must leave before the heartening moon vanishes."
A pure voice, combined of the consuming flame of love, and the hopeless bitterness of longing and the resolved sweetness of patience, said, "Good-bye, my beloved."
They separated, and the elegy to their union was smothered by the wails of my crying heart.
I looked upon slumbering Nature, and with deep reflection discovered the reality of a vast and infinite thing -- something no power could demand, influence acquire, nor riches purchase. Nor could it be effaced by the tears of time or deadened by sorrow; a thing which cannot be discovered by the blue lakes of Switzerland or the beautiful edifices of Italy.
It is something that gathers strength with patience, grows despite obstacles, warms in winter, flourishes in spring, casts a breeze in summer, and bears fruit in autumn -- I found Love.
haiz.....
first, to JB..
you did a fucking good job as a keeper..don't beat yourself up ya..you did some of the best saves that i can see..and if not for you..the scoreline would have been different..you did your best..from a fellow soccer player and keeper to another..you gave your all..sincerely man...you did your best..i can understand your pain..chin up yeah?
to myself,
i have a lot of things to say..but, in a nutshell,
i can't take it anymore...
in the mood for SOCCER!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
seriously, i am freaking jealous of JB..lol..got people watch him play soccer..lol..why i play soccer nobody see?!
anyways, good luck bro!!! use your Powerboi powers..lol.. Wednesday, July 19, 2006
i really love this song so much...just found out the title a few minutes ago..lol..please take your time to listen to it kay..it means a lot to me..lol..thank you
well, as you can read from my previous entry..monday sucked..but tuesday was a bit better..
went to tyy the cpstec lesson..wah freaking boring ah...read the novel..now at page 70..very nice book..nama pun sedap..Shahira..waduh..
then after that, went to amos the lesson..the projector "poofed", so had to crain our necks to see what he was writing..kan ct, kan kan kan kan kan kan? hehehe...ajak ke kfc, in the end dier jek yang makan..hehe..bwek!
then met jb, lon, xueshi and chun mei at the PCC..lol..i always try not to laugh at that..i noe its lame, but cut me some slack..
the best part was at the stadium..played SOCCER!!!!!...soccer is one of my loves..never let me down, never borke my heart..lol..thats y i love it til now...powerger..you really power leh..can ti chiu, ta chiu..and pao..hehehe
during soccer i was like venting all my anger on the ball ah..thats y during the 3 touch penalty i never looked up....sorrie ah jb, if accidentally kena anywhere..btw gd luck for the match tmr..i support you de!!!!... Tuesday, July 18, 2006
monday..i haTe monday, do you know that..have i ever told you all that i intensely, absolutely hate mOndays..
i hate the way it started...terkejut kejut..crap....and besiDes, the last night, i didnt really study..seriously lor, if i were to flunk it, i wouldnt be that surpriseD..i think im already prepared...on the bright side, It is one thing im prepared for..
now iM in the comp lab..bored as hell..and hungry..and moodless...SOrry dudes/dudettes... i think i failed you..alSo on the verge of a breakdown sOon..trying hard..for the sake of eveRyone..
dd, im very woRried about You..are you okay? ...you should get some rest when you can, iF you can..you always seem tired, u noe? ...and im worried
me...i gOt this uber nice book..the title is," bukan cinta biasa "..or in english, tRanslated as " a diffErent kind of loVe "...my first thing from malaysia..thanks dd!!!!! i love it a lot..it will bE my midnight companion...lol..foR all those sleepless nights Ya...
haiz..
im beginning to haTe all these assignments and stuff...i mean..cut us some slack will you, or give us a break..Have some sympathy..I mean, we are not robots...jeez
aNyway, take care ya, all of you, esp to dd...
God, give me and my loved ones..strength to face the day.. Monday, July 17, 2006
hmm..these few days, my heart seems relIeved..
i mean, i don't feel that much pain anymore..but im kinda worried...
im my haste to be happy, i forgot to Let sadness have a chance to escape...
i think, i still have sOme more breakdowns in store..lol
but the difference now is, i am in control of my emotionS..
i cannot deny being sad at some poinT later on..but i won be that sensitive either..
some of the breakdowns in store is, the " the things which i should have,would have and could have done" breakdown, and the " i regret being scared" breakdown..also, check out the "if i could turn back time" breakdown...
lol, but dun worry.. i am in control..i cannot be sad forever..it can feel that waY sometimes..but it wont last..i hope...
i still have sOme love left...lol..anybody interested?
gys..im afraid of failing to meet your expectations..i really am...
yesterday went oUt with my best fren to study..woi! da lama eh kiteorg tak uat gitu..berbual kosong..sampai nak tdo..hehehe..tergoda2 nak makan, minum sedap2, tapi fulus takda..lol...
and yelah, nanti aku gi queensway aku ajak kau...lol..aku ajak kawan aku jugak...ya..
adieu Saturday, July 15, 2006
tonight, was a night of firstS..
i admitted my feelings to the girl whom i've long carried a flame for...
all those secrets that was inside came tUmbling out..
i didn't know..if i did, things might/would Have turned out differently..
but the thing now, is thAt, " i love you"
love comes In many shapes and forms...
but, but..friends forever yeah!!!!!!!..nothing will change that fact, absolutely nothing..
and who knows, in the future..there might be another chance?
i'lL be braver then..because someone like you, deserves it...
muhd shAliz sazali
i broke down...again...
i have to move on.. i know i have no other choice...
she's not mine...SHE IS NOT MINE. Friday, July 14, 2006
was reading my tags...I mean..was kinda touched by what all of them said..
thank you..i am going through a rough time..many times these few days i tried to hide it and suppress..but i guess sometimes even i Cracked...
i wAsn't lying when i said i was sick...i just lied about the reasoN i was sick..i am sick and tired of it..i am sick and tired of falling..of gettiNg hurt..of having to dust myself off, Of having to pick myself up, getting injured, piecing The pieces Back together, of having to stand and watch, of nEver experiencing what not fAlling has to offeR..
i am Sick and tirEd...and i am so near my brEaking point I caN feel it...i can see the edGe of this cliff...
one, i stopped believing in it quite some time ago..Here i am, formerly a believer, now a hopeless/ hopeful skEptic...ironic isnt it
two, whateveR it is, it will not come to me soon...if it were to come, it would have been ages ago..guess what they say bout nice guys are true after all
three, i am..Whether i like it or not..unfortunately, i hate IT, a wHole freaking lot
four, i don't Have it...It's soMeone elses...and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it
oooh my gawd...IM IN A VIDEO!!!!!!
paiseh sia....
look look...
Powerger,yaojing,"you're mad" and ME!!!!!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I thank god, that in this moment where im falling into the darkness..i have few people i can rely on..
1st of alL, there's superman..he's my brother..and he and me are in the same boat..and tog we will move on..we can't wallow in pain anymore..the world will pass us by...and i don't believe in lOve anymore now..it always leads me to hurt...so..together we oVercome it yeah?
2nd of all, there's powEr ger..thank you ..lately you've been helping me alot...i appreciate it.."breathe again"
3rd of all, there's power boi..thanks for making me laugh..serious.."ouh ippo eh tai tai eh Ya.."
last but certainly nOt least...theres daredevil...thank you for caring, it means a lot more than you know..and thanks for worrying bout me..but now you shouldnt yoU know..don't waste your worries on me..im not worth it.. =) save it for yourself, mal,dee and the r'ship that you're going to build with bebo..i'll be fine..i have always been alone..don't worry..
one more thing.. DD, you might be surprised at how good i can actually lie when i want to..
in this moment of darkness, the bright sparks that i see are you all..
don't worry bout me..
don't waste all your worries on me..
for i am not worth it...
worry bout yourselves, and the people you love..
sometimes, when you face great pressure..you either bend or break...
i unfortunately, broke...
i give up... Wednesday, July 12, 2006
its 143am at nite..
and i still can't sleep...
wait. its 144am now..
and i still can't sleep..
tomorrow im gonna support my brother and power ger in the poly 50...
jia you!
"the moon is dying,
the stars are crying,
the winds are whispering,
your happiness is fading "
oh look, its' 151am
and im still not asleep...
everytime i say, " im fine "..it hurts..cos do u know what it means exactly?
F.I.N.E.
F is for "Freaked Out"
I is for "Insecure"
N is for "Neurotic"
E is for "Emotional"
god, i can't help it....it hurts every single time i say it..
why can't it all be so damn crystal clear....
"DD, berikan ku masa tuk mencari tenaga tuk hadapi beban ini..ku tidak mahu mu terbabit dlm beban ku juga..ku mahu mu bahagia dengan secepat mungkin.." Tuesday, July 11, 2006
ku sudah pasrah dan redha kepada keadaan yang ku hadapi...
apa yang nak jadi, jadi..ku ikut sahaja..
ku sudah penat untuk lakukan apa-apa..
ku sudah penat, dan kesabaran ku sudah hendak tiba ke tahapnya..
astaghfirullahulazim
" di mana letak syurga itu, biar ku gantikan tempat ku dengan mu " Saturday, July 08, 2006
haiz,
the end of the week..
syukur alhamdullilah..
tired..in its many forms and factors..
still, have to do 2 very impt things:
1. persuade my bpk to let me play soccer tomorrow..im okay ya..the injury is fine..the stitches are out..heck..let me bruise someone else..i got some unreleased anger and pain i need to let out on some poor sod..
2. persuade my bpk to let me watch soccer, more explicitly, the FINAL of the FIFA WORLD CUP 2006, outside, with my friends..
got me boots and me jersey back..almost kissed them..well..i kissed me jersey..the boots were caked with mud and a tinge of blood..
notice that my very impt things involve soccer and persuasion..EIC help me...
tomorrow, around 3 plus..gonna have a soccer match..thank god..this past few days have been intensely hard..i need some release.
ups and downs..highs and lows..im in the latter stage..happy di luar..di dalam..hanya tuhan sahaja yang tahu..
im beginning to like this poem me and DD once wrote together..hmm..weird huh..last time i didn't like it,now...
"Touches of sorrow fills my heart
Ripping my fragile soul apart
A knife i'll take, my wrist i'll cut
How i yearn for a fresh start.."
also, the knife thingy..thats metaphorical ya..
haiz..
in school right now..
studying for product design..
hope to score lah..if not..pass pun bleh..cukup-cukup makan..
cos seriously, i dun care...
too tired...physically and emotionally..
ah well..life goes on.. Friday, July 07, 2006
its 1am..and i can't sleep..its been like that since i returned from the chalet..
been thinking..a lot..even my mum noticed
"never sleep?" (belum tdo?)
"can't sleep.." (tak ah, tak leh tdo)
"why?" (kenapa?)
"....thinking.....loads of work" (ada ah benda..bnyk benda nak fikir)
i decided...if life made me take this path...i will take it..
i made myself fall down..i alone chose this path..i alone shall bear the responsibility and the burden that comes with it..i made myself fall into this pit of uncertainty and hopeful skepticism.
i have been on this path time and again..i will be numb,cold,unflinching..i will not show any trace of weakness..
i promise you, i will drag myself out..in tears, bleeding, hurt, in pain..what comes i shall face it..i will not cower in pain..i will not be reduced to helplessness..what doesnt kill me, shall and will make me stronger..i will be stronger...i will drag myself out..
even if i have to do it alone................i will......
DD............Ni pun Rosita!!! now i can sleep at night..wahahahahahaha...
more info on this character from Sesame Street:
Rosita is a Hispanic Muppet character on the children's television series Sesame Street. Fluent in both English and Spanish, she is the first regular bilingual Muppet on the show. Rosita comes from Mexico and likes to play the guitar.
Her full name, Rosita, La Monstrua de las Cuevas, is a rarely used reference to the fact that Rosita is a fruit bat hence the Spanish "Monster of the Caves".
Rosita was introduced to the series in 1993, when the series explored what was "around the corner" of Sesame Street.
Rosita is performed by Carmen Osbahr, who originally worked on Mexico's Plaza Sesamo
lol..btw..i love Cookie Monster.."C is for cookie...That's good enough for me"
super uber freaking pissed....
the PQM test was alright..i think its okay
but for MCFA, i think i f**king blew it....didnt study...was too tired...ARGH! heck it...
tomorrow got ProD test..haiz...
berapa belambak test lah..is it like a conspiracy..to put tests during the WORLD CUP..
the teachers must have been soccer-haters..
to marlon: "81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81 81" wahahahahaha..lucky sia..
to DD: Chinatown will be next ya..lol..insya'allah.. teh peng then..lol
to Superman: bro..i dunno myself who THAT is...i sure wanna know..i sure wanna be THAT person..lol..SERIOUSLY.. i really really want to know...we are superheroes..yet i feel helpless..lol
" there is no greater fear than the fear of the unknown"
im shaking in my tight elektra costume... Wednesday, July 05, 2006
from left to right bottom: yaojing,"you're mad",DareDevil,Elmo.from left to right top: Power boi, Power ger, Elektra, SuperMan and AJ
Founding Members of the Justice League: DareDevil n Elektra
the background is Justice League Headquarters..Big huh..hehe
4/5 of the Justice League, minus DD who was takin the pic
in about an hour, i will be watching Germany vs Italy..
hmm, what's the score.. 1-0 to Germany..lol
and i also am very glad to be part of this superhero family..cos they really do save you..we save each other and heck-care the world..hehehe.
PQM..study liao..though not as much as i hoped..am still gonna study later lah..okies..
tmr at 1030am gonna return to the pitch to play SOCCER!!!!! waduh..so long never play u noe..* oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, boot aku mana sak? lol, takkan da nak kena beli boot baru? aku nak Mercurial Vapor Mk3..yang putih gold tu..*
time passes by so fast..i don't want to spend another second being sad, cos thats another second that i could have used to be happy..
and i have good reason to be happy, cos of these people above..i love u guys/gals..gals i just love more..hahahahaha
*my old self is returning*
"i stare into the silence of the night,
embraced by the moon's pallid glow,
when will my fears take flight?
when will my troubles go?"
p.s..its not hard writing poetry..just hold a pen, and let your heart escape for a while..
adieu
shagged..
go school, come back home..go back again..come back home..then go to relative's house, then come back home..haiz..
tomorrow got test..i barely skimmed thru only.
this past few days, my mind's distracted..so shagged on so many levels..
anyway..hope for balance to return..it'd be nice for some state of "hum-drum"ness to come back.. Tuesday, July 04, 2006
aku yang lemah tanpamu
aku yang rentan karena
cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
yang mampu menyanjungku
selama mata terbuka
sampai jantung tak berdetak
selama itu pun aku
mampu tuk mengenangmu
darimu, kutemukan hidupku
bagiku, kaulah cinta sejati
bila yang tertulis untukku
adalah yang terbaik untukmu
kan kujadikan kau kenangan
yang terindah dalam hidupku
namun takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupku
yang tlah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah
nice song huh? lol
i hereby declare the formation of the Justice League..
Founding Members;
Daredevil,
Elektra,
Superman,
Power Ger,
Power Boi..
lol..now my whole class is one crazy superhero family..like the incredibles..hehe..for reasons that are clear..the identities of these few superheroes will be kept secret.. Monday, July 03, 2006
Today was a very good day..lol..
hmm..school was so so..hate jwl..freaking stereotypical lor...to him," Mao Zedong!!!"
what happened after school was the highlight of the day..
went with the ever sweet DD to get my second spain tee of the week..lol
then went to Zamzam to eat murtabak and teh tarik..cos sumone ngah kepingin kan..haha..
then me had to pray for awhile..the mosque so near..dosa sak kalau tak solat..and the mosque was still as majestic as ever..learnt that the minaret kan..the black things are actually bottles..cool fact..see, its nice having DD by your side..lol
then slowly we walked to raffles place first..then we went to esplanade..chat for awhile and went home..
then received the bad news..so opened the door to an empty house..haiz.. tapi semua dah sedia ah..songkok..baju kurung..da settled..so tmr will be, different.
aniway..thats all..cos im so tired..so..studying PQM..wish me luck ya..seriously
to my friend and brother..im so sorry for not being there..i feel ashamed and selfish..forgive me ya? Saturday, July 01, 2006
shit shit shit..i was hearing this song on Ria 897..tapi tak tau the tajuk of this one song..got lyrics, "lemah tanpamu..kenangan..indah..yang terbaik untukmu.."..something liddat..i was like, just "on" the mp3..aiyah..crap..who know the title of this song, pls tell me kay..if not this song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the week...
sedap giler sak lagu dier..aku rasa lagu indon ah...cos lagu indon, lirik2 dier bermakna, and penyanyi dier pekat seh...lol... * humming the tune*....
hmm..at the end of the day..here's my tots
this whole week..well..i really miss my friends..
i don't care about the classes..haha..
seems like everyone is like, rushing for their reports..even Mai..da lama tak bebual, tiba2
"Alison!!"...haha..
but i really miss my friends..
this weekend though, another moment of worry..must be prepared..
to DD, thanks ya, for your doa2..
have fun ya, for me..since i can't have fun, have fun for my sake..
to JB the Brother..aiyoh, u arh, DD stands for Daredevil la..E stands for Elektra..lol..
Germany vs Argentina..
my prediction is Germany will edge out Argentina 2-1
yet, Salleh besides me says Argentina will win..lol
what we agree on, however, is that it's going to be a very emotional and entertaining match tonight..
players to watch out tonight..Miroslav Klose, Lucas Podolski, Maxi Rodriquez, Messi and Riquelme..
til then..
Au Revoir
p.s..Im still in school..doing this entry while the people around me are DOTA-ing..lol..want to join, but, ai..had my fill of DOTAsheets for a while..and done my training for Sunday..hope to do a Holy Shit agst TRZ..hehehehe...
i hate today...
¿por qué debo sentir esta manera?
esto es apenas absurdo
me estoy sintiendo tan desgraciado