Wednesday, July 26, 2006
pain
while writing this entry, i am crying, in my heart too..

so, it means that im having a breakdown..

i tot everything was okay, settled..that i could be strong enough..i guess i wasnt..

i can't take it anymore...

its killing me, bit by bit..hurting, unflinching..and seemingly neverending...every single time..

i get numb, and my whole world seems to be crashing down..

the hardest part about holding on, is letting go...

im trying..i really am...

im holding it back in, all this pain..this suffering...

thinking of stuff that makes me weak..

im trying my best..so that people i love would be happy, without feeling guilty for feeling happy..

the hardest part is to act as if nothing is wrong..to smile and joke, and play a fool, and to just be yourself..it is so hard..it takes up all my energy just to be me.and it hurts like hell..now im just a pale image of what i was back then..

but i have to put on this act..so that people don't worry, won't be looking at you, thinking, " is he really alright?"..i don't want people to ask me, "what is wrong", cos i won't tell..i won't...the reason im writing this blog entry is just to tell people that im suffering, and that i hope whoever wants to hurt me, might lighten up a bit....pls dun ask me what's wrong..i will tell if i want to, but pls dun force me...i am near the breaking point i can feel it..

so pls pls pls, dun force me to tell something i don't want to tell..it will only hurt me more..

i want to be happy for the people around me..i am trying, only god knows how hard i am trying right now...

so near yet so far...

i still am crying, but i have to prepare myself for tmr..the next part of this act is going to start..and i have to get ready...

subhan'allah